Written by Edward Parsons |
All types of student flats, not just the infamous Glasney complex, are prone to Gremlin infestation. Read on to discover which types you may have, and what you can do about them!
1) Manic Muck Makers
The trailblazers of kitchen calamity, leaving a trail of sticky, sloppy mess in their wake that Dick and Dom would be proud of. Not unlike the mess left behind that your friends parents had to clean after a birthday party in your primary school days – it’s just your flatmates job now.
While easily spotted and appearing harmless, they move very quickly! What starts out as a couple of wipeable spillages can rapidly escalate into a full scale invasion. Keep on top of it!
Warning signs: your socks stick to the floor, the messy hob adds new flavours to your dinner, the wall is spattered in marks from Garlic and Herb pizza dip and you haven’t seen the worktops since…. ever.
2) Dream-on Dishers
CLANG. There goes the frying pan. SMASH. Oops, that was Jimmy’s favourite mug.
If this is what the start or end of cooking your dinner sounds like, you’ve got a DoD infestation.
Where there was once a sink and drying rack there is now a lucky dip death trap, which could double up as a set from a popular horror franchise rhyming with PHWOAR (what stinks?).
Victims, of course, must plunge their hands into a mountainous wreck of sharp and cumbersome metal, fragile ceramics and mouldy mildew (so much for the ‘drying’ rack) to retrieve literally anything needed to cook, eat and survive.
Although, I’d recommend washing them again if you want to successfully complete all three of the above in that order.
Warning signs: your kitchenware cupboard is empty; the drying rack has become a mountain of mouldy saucepans and crockery and cutlery. Your kitchen no longer has a sink. The cut on your finger from the lucky dip has turned green and you need to visit A&E.
3) Boomin’ Baggers
Wheeeeeeef. Gurgle. Burrrrrrrp. Slow moving, stagnant and stale – these gremlins are simply the worst kind of all. Highly insidious and appearing benign, their presence is initially impossible to detect.
Then – bang! The next the you know, you’ve got four bubbling, bursting to the brim bin bags idling all across your kitchen floor, and they STINK. The fifth one, the eldest, has become a recluse and with good reason – having succumbed to a maggot infestation after festering in the same bin unemptied for three and a half weeks.
Free the poor bag from its plastic prison. Its uncontained, binless offspring are showing no sign of holding up either – better get rid of them too while you’re at it.
Warning signs: the windows are all closed; a putrid, urinary funk hangs in the air. Where are the baby flies coming from?
Effective methods of Prevention:
Make it a game! Highly effective with the general student population, you and your flatmates, ousting Gremlins has never been so much fun. Introducing:
Spin in a weekly ceremonial ritual to discover who will be the bearer of which burden chore to complete for the benefit of the flat.
“Um… How about a Cure?”
There aren’t any. If making chores into games doesn’t work, then you’re f****d. You can run, but you can’t hide. Invest in a pair of rubber gloves and bite the bullet – you’re officially the cleaning fairy of your flat and it’s time to banish those gremlins.
Or, of course, you can always learn to love your gremlins, like I did.
Spoiler alert – they’re your flatmates.