With local elections on May 3rd, the Conservative Party will be hoping to win back some of the young voters who deserted them for Labour at the General Election. Here is my guide for any Conservative campaigners who want to win the hearts and minds of the nation’s youth:
- Explain to young people why they’re wrong
There is no need to formulate policies that will appeal to young people. Your policies are already correct, it’s their fault for not realising why. Young people may be against a hard Brexit, but that’s because they don’t understand all the benefits it will bring – like pre-1988 passports. Try to explain your policies slowly, in simple language.
- Expose Labour’s fantasy-land policies
Labour’s latest announcement that they will introduce free bus travel for under-25s sounds like a nice idea. But it’s just another fantasy-land policy and it would be completely impossible in the real world. Yeah, over-65s also get free bus travel, and there are many more of them, but that’s different. The point is, it’s completely unfeasible to abolish university tuition fees. Okay, I know nearly every cabinet minister went to university for free, but again, that’s different.
- Talk about Venezuela as much as possible
In 2017, every single age group under 50 voted Labour in greater numbers than Conservative. Whether it was students concerned about being in over £50,000 of debt, or parents worried about cuts to schools and hospitals, the reason so many voted the way they did is because they weren’t aware of what is happening in Venezuela. Once people in this country find out how bad things are in Venezuela, any concerns over unaffordable houses and predatory landlords will vanish. Then when you’ve finished talking about Venezuela, remember…
- Talk about communism as much as possible
Communism was bad. Millions of people died under the communist dictatorship in Russia between 1917 and 1991. Of course, neither the Labour Party nor any of its leading members are communists. But you might as well just keep reminding everyone that communism is bad. Again, any concerns people will have in the present day will be instantly forgotten when they remember how bad communism was.
- Associate yourselves with things young people like
Some young people think Conservatives like Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg are old and out of touch with their concerns. Show them that, actually, Conservatives believe in the same things as young people! Or as Chief Secretary to the Treasury Liz Truss put it, “This generation are #Uber-riding #Airbnb-ing #Deliveroo-eating #freedomfighters”, demonstrating an intimate knowledge of hashtags and takeaways. If you keep telling young people how much you love freedom, they will forget that you also think eating foreign cheese is a “disgrace”.
- Don’t worry about young voters at all
Actually, forget everything I just said, and don’t worry about trying to win over young voters at all. They’re all just a bunch of feckless layabouts who wouldn’t know how to boil an egg. They probably won’t even turn up to vote anyway. The most important thing is that you know you’re right.
And that’s all there is to it – remember these five points and before too long, young people will be queuing up to vote Tory. I promise.